Finding My Place in This Empty Space

The difference between being busy and being intellectually fulfilled is infinite. I am certainly busy enough and grateful that I am here as the mothership to the family. I will not fill this empty space with just anything. My mind does wander and wonder though. It wanders and wonders though.

I'm Looking at the Mom in the Mirror. I'm Asking Her to Change Her Ways.

I was furious with Charlie yesterday. 

We were sitting outside of her new high school watching girls run in for volleyball practice. Charlie felt sick. I said, "Can you make it through?" She shook her head no. I went to CVS and got pepto bismo tablets (her stomach hurt) and let her walk around in the shade. I said, "This is important that you be seen today, can you make it through?" This practice mattered to her having a chance to get on the team. 

"No." she said. Again. 

You Are More Other: A Mother

Being an English student I have always thought that the mastery of literature lied in an untraceable and intangible gift, but words come with many meanings. "Mother," what does that word mean? I can't answer that for anybody else, because I have seen different interpretations of the gift of motherhood. 

Why Thirteen is Everything.

The thing about thirteen is that the physical connection of picking them up and cleaning their bodies, bathing and dressing them and playing on the playground and putting them in and out of their carseats and laying with them and reading to them and having them sit on your lap it's all over. It's all over.

Judge Tenderly of Me

This is my letter to the World

That never wrote to Me-

The simple News that Nature told-

With tender Majesty

Her message is committed 

To Hands I cannot see -

For love of Her - Sweet- countrymen

Judge tenderly of Me

This is my letter to the World

That never wrote to Me-

The simple News that Nature told-

With tender Majesty

There is no secret to marriage: it's about laughing and crying and giving and taking.

Marriage is the end. It's not the beginning. It's knowing that at the end you have all the memories and all the friendships and all the dreams with one person. And you trust that person to be with you at the end.. and you want that person to be with you at the end. It's not a big secret. It's a big commitment. It's wanting.. it's a lot of waiting. And it's only if you are willing.. 

You Don't Have to Forgive to Forget..

Even though I believe in God and many other Christian beliefs, I am not so keen on forgiveness. For the most part, it's unnecessary. I have already forgotten or have been completely oblivious to any petty machinations, slights, comments or outright bold assumptions against my person. I have no idea nor do I care what one person might have said or thought some time ago.. 

To Live Your Purpose, You Must Put Your Ego Aside.

We fear that we have lost our potential or ourselves. We fear that we will not look a certain way. And who cares anyway? Nobody that matters. The real truth is that we do have love and we do have friends. We have everything. But our ego always wants us to suffer: but nothing from the ego is real. Good or bad, high or low. It's not real. 

Our Life: Unedited. Unscripted. God It's Funny.

As I sit here watching Mall Cop on Day 10 of our foreign exchange student's visit I cannot help but feel a mix of exhilaration and failure. It's been a long day, we spent it in San Francisco watching the Giants beat the Pittsburgh Pirates. There is nothing like sitting behind home plate in the sun with a beer and a cool breeze watching the tips of sailboats float by as Buster Posey shimmies up to the plate. I was transported, but I digress. We did this for Noelie. 

Living the Teen: Life as the Most Annoying Person on the Planet.

Never in my wildest imagination did I expect to spend thirteen years raising my daughter with the outcome being that I became the most irritating person on the planet. But here I am, the most annoying and offsetting person in the house. I have the power to repel my daughter simply by asking her to brush her teeth, pick up her clothes or wear sunscreen. I used to write down her little phrases and popular sayings as she grew up. These days it’s: “Mom. Stop.” But you have to draw it out when you say it:   “Mom. Staaaaaaaaaaaoooppppp

Control Your Own Destiny. The World Will Find You.

What hurts us more? Not knowing that you can control anything or knowing it and still wanting to. Knowing that you can save your self from pain, except you can't. Knowing it's better for someone you love to go through something than for us to try and change the outcome. We limit ourselves so much in the avoidance of pain that we end up cheating ourselves from the freedom in living.

Let's Find Instead of Fight.

The art of engagement was taught to me by my older brother. At times stealth was necessary, also; screaming, stunts, laughter and tears. It has taken me a long time, and numerous misguided conversations, fights and hurt feelings to realize that not all people are willing to confront another. Instead, emotions from ten, twenty, or thirty years ago can sit guardedly waiting to bite an unsuspecting soul. 

Time Isn't Waiting for Me Anymore...

As with everything in my life there is a time that changes everything. My parents are numb to any proclamation: I'm moving to the beach, I quit my job, I'm starting a new career, I'm buying a magazine, I'm pregnant, I'm going back to college, and sometimes.. I'm staying where I am. 

The Answers

What if there are no answers to life's biggest questions? I submit that there are not. The why's, what if's and when's.. you can pack those up and put them away.  It's not that there aren't answers to things, it's that the answers to the questions we seek are either already known inside our gut or cannot be known. We can pray, we can work, we can hope, but at the end of the day we will never know how everything is going to work out until it's all worked out.