Let's Find Instead of Fight.

The art of engagement was taught to me by my older brother. At times stealth was necessary, also; screaming, stunts, laughter and tears. It has taken me a long time, and numerous misguided conversations, fights and hurt feelings to realize that not all people are willing to confront another. Instead, emotions from ten, twenty, or thirty years ago can sit guardedly waiting to bite an unsuspecting soul. 

Confrontation is often not about fighting another, instead it is an expression of yourself. It is an expression of someone who wants to be heard. I don't think it is bad or wrong, but the word "confrontation" itself has a negative connotation because most people cannot accept or appreciate a hearty discussion because it exposes the deepest of our fears, and we will fight to not have these fears unmasked. Boy will we fight. 

Let's take marriage. "You want to go there?" a voice says laughingly, and of course I want to go there. Marriage is the ultimate battleground, and you will fight your self more than you will ever fight your spouse. Lucky for you I have been reading Freud since the ripe old age of fifteen. Freud didn't know much about marriage but he knew a lot about the self. Instead of digging through the boxes of books I carry with me that my husband would love to throw out, I will employ a wikipedia version of Freud for you. The bottom line is.. we protect our Id. The Id is what we are all about. The Ego covers up for that and the Superego manipulates the hell out of it all. In marriage it's all about the Ego. But what I have found is that we only fight ourselves in these moments of conflict. The conversation is always about protecting ourselves. It is very rare that these conflicts are truly mutual explorations or an effort to resolve the fears behind our words. But it sure would be nice if it was about finding instead of fighting. 

Fear is what we are fighting about. Our own damn fear. Not what you said, or what you did that may or may not have been stupid or smart or relevant or damning. Our fight is to maintain our own version of truth: our own ideals, our own ego. Trust me I know. My ego gave up a long time ago and is just sitting over there watching me work on myself.  I'm working on it all because there is only so much time. And if you feel like you are fighting someone or something, then you are human. We could not survive without our instincts, just don't hurt yourself trying to figure it all out, because the answers aren't in the fight, they are in the fear.